Unapologetically ADHD

Living life with ADHD- the many ups, downs and misconceptions

recent posts

about

  • Realization

    This picture expresses how my brain feels on a daily basis. The world around me is moving fast, while I move just as fast internally, but in different directions. They say ADHD is not a lack of attention; it is really an attention to a lot of stimuli. I have to admit this is true: I absorb a lot of things that are going on around me —from the tone of someone’s voice to the way a person fidgets in their chair to simple physical gestures —all of which provide information about the situation I’m in. This ability to notice significantly more than the average person allows me to problem-solve with lots of information. With ADHD, problem-solving and processing happen much more quickly. An example of this is in social situations, I am hyper-aware of how others are acting and piece it together to recognize when good news is coming or when people are behaving differently than their normal. In one such instance I saw when look a person gave when they were closing a door when they thought nonone was looking. I knew immediately they were up to somehting nefarious, which it turns out they doing somehting illegal. In moments like this previously, I didnt listen to my gut or trust what I was seeing becuase my upbringing by a narcessit taught me not to trust myself. However, inrecent years I have noticed that small details I observe and process have proven to be valid and its becasue of this I have started to lean in a trust myself musc more. I can call people on their BS, I pick up on insecuritites and I also empathize much more now. Interestingly, my ability to problem solve is much better because I no long eliminate those valuable details that tell me so much.

    It took until recent years to lean into ADHD as my superpower, and now I fully lean into it and run with it. It’s no longer an insecurity or something others can use against me, because I don’t let them. I took back my power and made it my superpower!

  • Finding Strength

    In the last 4 years, I have found my strength and pride in my ADHD. I am different, and I have always been. There was an event that occurred four years ago (a story for another time, as it’s a bit more sensitive) that set me free and helped me to lean into and own the person I am, for who I am. After the event that happened, I woke up the next day with such a weight off my shoulders, and I began a whole new journey to be unapologetically me. All the years leading up to this, I knew I was different; I just thought differently and functioned differently. Not bad or good, just different. I realized the most obvious thing was that I have a hard time concentrating and focusing on things that bore me. The second thing I learned that set me apart was my ability to absorb information and notice details. I also function much better in chaotic situations than in calm ones. My energy is high. This is the aspect that everyone else notices first; most people hear me before they see me! There are many more aspects, but these are the most significant. I ignored these traits and saw them as negative.

    I tried to hide them and fit the mold to be basic. The reality is, I have never been basic. Interestingly, when I took a personality test during my first stint in graduate school, I came out as an introvert. I took it a couple more times, and I was always an introvert. However, when I took it about 4 years ago, which is 14 years after my first test, I was an extrovert. Looking back, I have always been an extrovert; I just didn’t allow myself to be me. I was very critical of myself and how I was supposed to behave. This was driven by the way I was raised; I was to be seen and not heard. I was told that a lot growing up, basically, I was to know my place, and it was to be quiet and nonexistent. This did not build me up to be strong, but instead it tore me down to my bones, where I grew up feeling less than everyone and everything. I struggled internally to fit in and make friends because I was so worried about how I was coming across and just trying ot fit in with everyone. Having ADHD, I put a lot of value on words and relationships, so when someone told me they were going to do something and they didn’t, it hurt. It was a very unhealthy perspective and lacked reality. I grew up broken-hearted at every corner and turn because of this. Looking back, I have one regret: I wish I had just been myself. I firmly believe that I would have had more fun, been less anxious and critical, and, more importantly, enjoyed my formative years. And more importantly, I would have cared less about what others thought of me. Because I handled things differently, having ADHD, my parents tried to put me in a box, and I stayed there for many years, until I opened it and stepped out about 4 years ago. And true to who I am, I bought a pair of fun-loving shoes that were distinctly different from the rest. I have always been a shoe person; I pick my shoes first, then build my outfit, so this was the perfect first step into being unapologetically me.

  • My Superpower

    I have had plenty of time and years to reflect on ADHD regarding what it is and how it affects me. Throughout high school, undergraduate, graduate school and the first 10 years of my professional life, I kept this to myself. It was about 4-5 years ago when I finally dropped this sky-high barrier that I and society created around what it meant to be ADHD and began living for who I was and what I wanted in life, as an unapologetically ADHD person. For the first time I was becoming comfortable in my own skin and with the person I am. I am unique and not everyone will understand or even care to understand, but I realized the same could be said for almost any trait a person has, including their views on different topics. With that realization, I began leaning into my difference and slowly became comfortable and confident with myself. I tell my staff repeatedly now that ADHD is my superpower, they know what to expect from me, and I have found they appreciate it because I am high energy, I break the silence and monotony of the day. They also have come to understand that 10 minutes in my world is too long. It works for me in my profession as a physical therapist and a director. The doctors also reach out to me if they want something done, because they know I will follow through and make it happen. Yes, they have given me looks of serious questioning when I present my ideas. They have seen these ideas come to life and have learned to trust my expertise and problem-solving. They know I will make things happen.

    Interestingly enough, where I work now, there was a moment during my physical with the doctor that came close to not providing me clearance to work. For the first time in my life, I disclosed on the medical form that I was diagnosed with ADHD. I was questioned regarding the formality of the diagnosis, but I explained that I went through several tests with different specialists to identify which category of ADHD I fell into. Side note, I have ADHD because I continuously fidget and I daydream easily when I have no interest in what is going on before me. I can read the first line of a history book for an hour and not be able to tell you what it says. Long story short, I told the doc I had a formal diagnosis, and she continued to question me on how I could function in my job without medication or how I could, in general, do my job with ADHD. I adamantly explained to her that being a PT was perfect because you are not sitting physically, and problem-solving, so I can still focus my energy and burn it all at once, making me great at what I do. This did not satisfy her. I continued on the path to convincing her, explaining that I had trained myself to sit and study for 8-10 hours a day in graduate school without medication, because I had learned what worked for me and what didn’t, to focus and work effectively. I followed that with, if those didn’t work, then I drink coffee or a soda because the caffeine has the opposite effect on people with ADHD; it calms me and helps me focus. I have several options to ensure I complete my work. Finally, she stated that it sounded like I had “good control” of it and was able to manage it. I about fell off the patient table when she said this. Right then and there, I was judged for being ADHD, and it was assumed I could not do my job because of it. This is why I didn’t talk about it; the one time I did, it was thrown in my face.

  • Starting with ADHD

    So, where to start, logically, that would be when I was diagnosed. This happened when I was a freshman in high school. I do want to point out that I was experiencing ADHD well before I was officially diagnosed with it. The final straw that put me over the edge and for my parents to finally address it was when my dad found me crying on the floor of my brother’s room. I had been there for an hour trying to read a chapter in my history book, but I had not made it past the first sentence of the first page! Though my eyes would be 5-6 paragraphs deep, I had no clue what I had read. It reached a point where I just began crying because it was the most frustrating thing I was having to deal with. I wanted to read and learn, but simply could not.

    Interestingly, my dad was a special education teacher. Understanding neurodivergence was a key part of his college education. As I went through the process and learning about it, my father was never a supportive figure. I was just prescribed medication and sent on my merry way. All of the learning and adapting I did on my own, and navigated it through trial and error in a time when I could not tell anyone that I was ADHD. There was a strong stigma attached, and I also didn’t want to deal with people asking me for my medication. It was not until I was in graduate school, working towards my doctorate, that I first confided in two friends I was studying with. I had kept this little fact very close to my chest, even taking my medication so no one would see me. Things have come full circle now, where I am a director and I own ADHD as my superpower. There is more information and knowledge surrounding it, and from these things, I have really started to make sense in my life. Once such an example is how I can hyper focus and get lost in things that I enjoy, but completely ignore and tune out things I have no interest in. I remember my college soccer coach yelling at me during practice my senior year. I had no interest or care in what she was saying. It was during this brief 2-minute tongue-lashing that I planned my entire evening to the minute, with time allocated for driving to the library, homework, studying, dinner, showering, and bedtime. To this day, I have no clue what she was yelling at me for, but I can tell you what my plans were! Oh, and I also remember the feeling I had when I walked away, realizing what had just happened. I laughed and thought about how productive I was. This is ADHD at its finest!

  • Hello World!

    Hello World!

    Welcome to my blog! I am excited to share my experience and journey surrounding and driven by my ADHD. It’s a small and singular perspective, but one that holds value, excitement, and even some humor, because that’s my default way of coping. I am starting this venture as a creative outlet, because I need to express and expend my energy. When I sit idly by, I feel I am slowly shriveling and dying inside. As an example, I am currently working full-time as a department director at a hospital, have three young children, a husband, two dogs, and am pursuing a second graduate degree. Yet, I somehow manage to fit in daily workouts. This is my ADHD at its finest, so why not start a blog on top of all that I am doing already? My hope is that I can express myself authentically and receive a few smiles and nods of approval along the way. Or I can use it as therapy if no one reads it, which would also be sufficient.